Puppies and Babies Always Work
by adamolupin
Summary: Sirius borrows baby!Harry for a single hour in the relentless pursuit of the love of his life or a one night stand, which ever comes first. PostHogwarts Marauders.


**A/N**: _This scenario has probably been done about a billion times, but I was viciously mauled by this plot bunny's sharp pointy teeth. So my Holy Hand Grenade was writing this fic. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I don't think there're any pop culture references I need to attribute to their rightful owners but I hope you'll let me know if there are. Thank you to my wonderful betas Pips and Procrastinator-starting2moro. Read her fics!_

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"No Sirius," James said shutting the door on Sirius's face before he even had a chance to take a breath and open his mouth.

Sirius scrambled up the door, scratching and making pathetic whimpering noises in the back of his throat. When that failed to elicit an opened door he resorted to whinging. "Aww c'mon Prongs! Pleeease?"

"No, Pads. Go home."

Sirius tried climbing up the door again, plastering his body against the door and scratching at the wood.

James looked over at Remus who smirked and nodded. "Now."

James opened the door and Sirius fell into the house landing flat on his face. "That," he began from the floor, "was mean."

"Perhaps it'll teach you a lesson," James replied, kicking Sirius's feet out of the way in order to close the door.

"I take that back. That little trick wasn't mean, _you_ are mean," Sirius said, his voice muffled by the carpeting.

"Are you going to get off the floor, Padfoot?" Remus asked from the couch.

"Actually it's quite comfy down here. Is thisBerber?"

"Up, Pads." James nudged Sirius's torso with a foot.

"Actually, I think I'll stay down here until I get what I want."

Remus and James shared an eye roll and a sigh. "If I let you do what you want, you do realize that Lily will not only kill me, but resurrect me, castrate me, then kill me again."

"An hour. I only need an hour," Sirius looked up from the floor, putting on his best puppy dog face. "You won't even miss him! And think of all the . . . bonding with Remus and . . . cleaning you can do while he's gone. Because honestly this carpet needs a wash or a vacuuming or something; it's filthy!"

"This is _exactly_ why Lily won't let you babysit," Remus piped up.

"Traitor!" Sirius pointed at him. He stood quickly and gripped James by the upper arms. "_Please!_ I'm begging you! Let me borrow Harry. Puppies and babies, it never fails."

"You're both, so I don't understand what the problem is," Remus retorted earning him a glare.

"And what're you going to tell the women on the second date what happened to your son?" James asked with a cocked eyebrow.

Sirius snorted, but couldn't contain his laughter and fell his knees at James's feet, doubled over. "Second date he says!" He sighed and wiped a tear from his eye. "You should be a comedian. Besides, how's Harry going to be a stud if he doesn't know how to chat up women?"

"He's six months old!" James exclaimed, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "At least wait until he's_ seven_!"

Remus rolled his eyes and shook his head. Sometimes he couldn't believe the things that came out of his friends' mouths.

"But if I start with him now, think of what a lady's man he'll be in year one!" Sirius went on. "Please James? Pleeease?"

"James, don't! Stay strong. Think of Lily!" Remus called out standing and walking over to them.

But James had already caved, Sirius had won. "Oh all right. An hour. One single hour and I want to know where you're going because if you're not back here in precisely one hour, I'm coming and I'm breaking up whatever 'conversation' you've got going on and I'm telling them that Harry's _mine_ and I'll be sure to say it very loudly so wherever you are the women there will remember."

Sirius had the gall to look affronted. "You don't have to be so mean about it Prongs."

"James, this is a bad idea with a very bold and very big B. Actually it's a bad idea with all capital letters and in bright flashing neon colors," Remus tried one last time, but as per usual no one listened to him. He wished Peter were there to back him up instead of having mysteriously vanished again. Hmm . . . or not. Peter had a pretty consistent track record of backing Sirius and James' hair-brained, dangerous, stupid and/or ridiculous plans. "You hate neon!"

"James you're the best!" Sirius clapped his best friend's shoulder and stuck his tongue out at Remus.

"I wipe my hands of this," Remus muttered sitting back on the couch with a sigh.

"Is his nappy new?" Sirius asked following James upstairs to the nursery.

"Yeah, I just changed it so he should be ok for the single hour you'll be gone. He's just been fed too. If he gets fussy, here's his dummy," James replied handing Sirius the bit of soft plastic.

Harry blinked up at the two men while chewing on his fist and grabbing at his foot with his free hand. He gurgled and grinned up at them. "Why am I doing this again?" James asked quietly as he picked up his son.

"Because you want to help me find true love," Sirius replied taking Harry and placing him against his shoulder.

"Oh and what was that laughing fit back there then?"

"Erm, Remus hit me with Rictusempra. Those are his specialty you know," Sirius replied quickly. "Even though I don't know why he doesn't use them on himself," he added in a mutter.

James knew Sirius was lying and he knew Sirius knew he knew he was lying, but James let the issue drop. "Well have fun and be sure to bring him back in one hour."

"One hour, gotcha. Thanks James!"

As soon as he returned downstairs he held up his hand. "Don't."

"I didn't say a word," Remus murmured not even looking up from his book.

"But you were thinking it."

"Hmm," was Remus' only response.

* * *

Sirius's plan was backfiring spectacularly. _Note to self, use only puppies next time._ The first pub he'd been to had kicked him out stating no minors and the second pub hardly had any women in it. So he had plopped himself on a bench in a park, hoping to regroup and make the most of the remaining half hour he had left with Harry.

Harry babbled on, oblivious to his godfather's plight, every once in a while making a grab for some of Sirius' hair.

"Remus would tell me that I was gettingjust deserts," Sirius sighed down at his godson.

Harry's response was a giggle, a foot kick and to urp all over Sirius' new black shirt.

"Bloody hell." And of course Sirius just had to sit in a busy Muggle park where couldn't use his wand.

"Excuse me," a soft voice broke into his mutterings and Sirius quickly positioned Harry on his shoulder to cover up the puke. "I couldn't help but notice that you're trying to use that baby to pick up women."

Sirius jerked his head around and came face to face with a highly amused and very beautiful brunette. "Pardon?"

"It's fairly obvious. I bet that baby's your nephew or a friend's. You walked into that pub like you owned it, took one look around, sighed with this dejected look on your face and walked out," the brunette replied with an amused grin. "I felt a need to follow you and give you a word of advice: the women you hope to meet in a **bar** won't be impressed by a child. Now if you walked over to the play ground on the other side of the park, you will have women flocking to you like bees to honey. Granted they'll have children of their own and may be just a bit bitter toward men, but you may, if you're lucky, find a one night stand among the lot. Babies are useful for men who want to settle down and you do not look like the settling down type."

Sirius just stared at her while she spoke with an open mouth. She saw right through his clever disguise, she just gave _him_, Gryffindor's sex god, advice on women, and then told him his clever disguise was a bad idea! He wanted her and he wanted her now. He closed his mouth with a snap and turned on the Black charm to one hundred watts. "I hadn't thought of it that way. I'll stick to puppies next time."

The brunette smiled and nodded, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "Good idea. Puppies are pretty universal."

"How, may I ask, did you know all that?"

"What? You don't think you're the only one who's tried using a baby to pick up women do you?" she asked with a knowing glint in her eye. She smiled at him and turned away with a flick of her hips. "It was nice meeting you."

Sirius sighed and slumped in the bench. "Bollocks. This is between you and me Harry. I have a reputation to maintain. I'm still Gryffindor's undisputed sex god."

Harry babbled a response to that, urping the last of his lunch down Sirius's back.

Remus and James howled with laughter when they returned to Godric's Hollow. "What woman can resist the white vomit on black shirt look?" James choked out between his laughter.

"Are you applying to mime school?" Remus asked, wiping away his tears.

"Piss off," Sirius grumped handing Harry to his father and pulling off his shirt.

"No no, Remus, he's trying to change his animagus from a dog to a penguin," James chuckled.

"What's black and white and red all over?" Remus retorted.

"Sirius!" they exclaimed in stereo.

"Har har. Are you finished yet?"

Remus snorted. "For someone who can dish it out you sure can't take it."

"Let's just say I got outted ok?" Sirius grumbled plopping in a chair at an angle from where Remus sat on the couch.

Remus and James shared grins which were quickly replaced with innocent looks as Lily swept in the front door. All three men looked at her with entirely too innocent expressions. "Oh dear Merlin, please don't tell me you let Sirius baby sit."

"Hey!" Sirius piped up indignantly.

"Of course not, love," James lied through his teeth. _Please oh please oh please don't ask further._

Lily looked at him with narrow suspicious eyes, but didn't press any further. She'd find out later one way or another. A sudden whiff of odor had her sniffing. "What smells like vomit?"


End file.
